Jane Smith;

i am reading the most amazing book at the moment, one which relates to my life…well i would like it to anyway.
it is called nineteen minutes, by jodi picoult (my tagline is a quote from it). the book is about a boy who gets bullied everyday, and has been since his first day of school when he was 6. at 17 he is fed up with these people and decides to run through his school with guns, shooting everyone who had ever bullied him. the book explores his trial and what, in the first place would make him want to be responsible for a school massacre.
i wish i had the guts to do it. or the access.

well, here we are again, weekends over and schools been in session for 2 days now. yesterday around 4th period i started to get ’stomach pains’ and had to be picked up early, the sick-bay nurse knows my name and phone number by heart.

in reply to the comment posted by princess leia yesterday; i’m sorry to hear you get bullied too, i wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. to cheer myself up i like to get lost in a good book or my music, it just helps me forget everything. blogging has helped me greatly, it is a way i have learned to express my feelings and even seek help. it has let me have a voice in a world where my opinion is not cared for. blogging has let me deal with my problems in a way that wont result in bruises or blood, i dont know how to explain why, but it is like as i am typing, my emotions are comming out through my fingers onto the keys. 
many people read blogs and some people aren’t that comfortable with that idea so think about it before you start, just because it is right for me doesnt mean it is right for you. i would love to give you some advice on your problem but i am yet to come up with some for myself, the teasing and taunting is hard to escape. i wish you luck with your bullies and i hope you come up with a solution, i would be happy to try it out as well. good luck, i know how you feel.

i don’t think i’m going to go to school tomorrow. i wonder what excuse i will tell mum. i have really bad cramps? or we have a curriculum day? or maybe even i hurt my ankle in sport yesterday (i don’t even do sport but it has worked for me before). yeah, i have a whole list of excuses. maybe i should write a book, ‘how to fake sick’.

so far this year i have had a total of 25 days off school. sometimes i wake up in the mornings and i just don’t have the energy to face them. i remember once, in year 9, something had happened, i think i may have bumped into someone so they all started throwing punches, all in my direction. i knew if i went the next day, it would be worse than hell, so i ate a breast of raw chicken. i was so relieved when i started throwing up, i was smiling in between the heaves. i wouldn’t have to face them. it was all worth it to get those days off.

i wonder if mum cares?

what the hell?
dont these people have anything better to do?
seriously?
get a life and stop ruining mine!
what do people get out of bullying over msn?
oh yeah, your sooo tough because you can type mean things! pfffttt…i pitty you and how great it must make you feel. you are a sick, sick person if you get some kind of enjoyment out of this. i hope that you get hit by a bus.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

today…lets see, i only got tripped twice, my books only got knocked off my table three times and i had fruit thrown at me once (why is it always fruit?). so if you ask me, today was one of the better days. there are no fresh bruises on my arms, only the healing ones from the past week, most a yellow or purple colour.

i remember in year 7 or 8 when we had to talk about bullying. the teacher always told us to tell a teacher or parent if it ever happened to us. it makes me laugh to look back on how utterly clueless they are. the teachers i mean. what in the hell could they do for someone in my situation? tell the bullies off and hope that is enough? as soon as the she turned her back they would come straight after me. yeah, solves the problem right?
i don’t think it is something you can get used to. all you can do is hope that one day they get sick of it and stop. so far i have had no such luck. often, i’ve wondered as im lying in the bath tub, maybe if i hold my head under that extra few seconds, will it be the better escape? i wonder if i killed myself, would they feel remorse for what they do? would they even take a second thought as to why i did it? they are all too self indulged to realise that they are at fault.

as i sit here typing, mum and dad are down the hall, arguing again, this time i can hear their voices yelling. incase you are wondering, no, i don’t tell them what happens at school. i did in the beginning, dad would tell me to stand up for myself, mum would just pretend that the bruises and cuts were from me ‘falling’. so in the end i just gave up. nowadays, i don’t bother, they dont want to know.

i have chosen to go by the name Jane Smith. i am 16 years old and attend high school (yr 11). my life seems to consist of disappointment and tears. i know everyone says high school is the best days of your life, but what happens when you will do anything to escape it? that is me, the one who fakes sick to be away that one extra day, the one who will sit in the corner, silent in the hopes of not being seen. sad but true, this is my reality, and it has been since year 7. i decided to start this blog in hope that somewhere i can be myself. i hope through this blog i can make people aware of bullying and the harm it can inflict. it does more damage than the grazes you get from being tripped in the hallway. believe me, i should know.

this is my world, welcome to it.